Mental Illness and trauma
The confessions of a paranoid schizophrenic
I’m a strange paranoid Schizophrenic. At the age of 42, I had to go looking for my voices, it took me over a year to find them.
Did you know, every one of my early voices ended up being thoughtforms created due to past trauma? They were angry at me, and liked to insert negative thoughts and emotions into my mind on the quiet.
I started hearing voices when I was 43. I had no idea they were there until I did a load of mindfulness and meditation and found them. First they were just thoughts, but later they became characters in my mind. Scary, dark characters with ill intent.
When I found them, each one wanted to take me back to the trauma event. They wanted to show me their pain. This felt nightmarish at the time, like to say, being forced to revisit those terrible times.
I discovered, that I had inside me, an aspect of self that was always going to be reminding me of that stuff, and tell me I should die because of it.
What I discovered, is that, these thoughtforms were created as a result of me rejecting aspects of my personality. The trauma, caused me to change, in effect, I blamed this aspect of my behaviour and kicked it out.
Doing this meant I’d created, unknowingly, an enemy within. A negative thoughtform that can affect all of me, physically, psychologically etc. Without the slightest inkling of the true cause.
That means, these thoughtforms can effectively give you any kind of illness, not just Schizophrenia, but just about anything you can think of, could be down to a thoughtform
Discovering this was pretty scary, my instinct was to shut it away. But, I didn’t. I decided that if this thing was me, and it’s a part of me I threw away. I wanted it back. Furthermore, I wanted all of me to be whole, I didn’t want to continue feeling empty, and filled with negative thoughts etc.
So, I said to each one the same thing. I said sorry for kicking them out and asked them to come back. I told them, I promise to love you and to honour you, I believe you are an important and vital part of self, come back, and I shall honour your thoughts and feelings.
Then with each, there was a drama. Difficult to describe it, but it was a “Trust” drama, where this negative aspect decided whether it was going to trust me. It took around 2 weeks of solid effort, but in the end, I brought all of them on-board. All of them chose to come back. They stopped hating me, and they started working with me again.
At that point, when I had everyone one on board. They gave me an option. To continue hearing their voices or for them to go silent. I chose to keep them.
Was that the end of it? No, it wasn’t. The process I describe above was my first major step towards truly knowing self and feeling healed. I had addressed all of my major trauma incidents. However, later on, other challenges came up, sometimes related to other trauma (seems I had a very hard childhood), some related to those aspects choosing to test my trust of them again. It’s kind of like getting married, you only get to establish true trust in the time following the big day, when you actually start living together.
Did I change? Well, the feeling of inner confidence was pretty amazing, I also had great energy. But I still feel the same “Me” really, except, of course, none of my voices are picking on me any more. Plus, to be honest, for the most part they are silent, just letting me get on with my day.
Transcendence Score: 74/80
